Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, November 19, 2010
I could be free because I couldn't lie about being happy about being with someone. Or hell, I probably wouldn't have even gotten married b/c I couldn't lie to myself about being in love. With either of them.
But then I think.
I would also be unbelievably unhappy. Not because I am a liar. I am not. But because I like my secrets. I don't like others seeing my weaknesses or knowing everything I've done/experienced.
When someone asks how I am, I like to say, “Good,” no matter what. B/c when you say bad, or mad, or upset, sad or confused, it provokes emotions in people. Negative emotions. All I want is for you to be happy. When you feel sympathetic toward me, I feel sorrier for myself. When you feel sad, I cry. If you get mad with me, you fuel my fire. When you pity me, I get angry. See the pattern?
But when you're happy, it makes me smile and I'm happier too.
If my hell helps you, I’ll gladly talk about it. I’ll try to give you advice, but don’t be surprised if I don’t talk about my bad day. Sure I rant and rave a little. Sure I put quips out there. But that’s all. It’s not for attention, it’s to get it off my chest and move on. (Though I’ll never turn down a hug, jsyk)
Lately, my façade is cracking. My secret jar is overflowing and some “Not Good” responses are seeping out. Give me a hug and tell me a joke.
So does that make me a liar?
I’ve always prided myself in being an honest person. I feel that I truly am. I don’t see it as lying, I see it as hiding. But I guess the two are one in the same, aren’t they? I’ve always thought “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” But you did ask, and I didn’t tell. Not honestly anyway.
If I tell you a story about me, it will not be made up.
But, if: You ask. I answer. I don’t elaborate.
Huh. Chances are…
I’m a liar.
Monday, September 20, 2010
WOW! Those tumble weeds are HUGE!!! Gah
*Gets to work straightening up, mowing, weed eating, edging, and throwing roadside debris, lots and lots of alcohol bottles and all trimmings into the burn barrel, lighting it up*
There! *cleans w/ Hanitizer* What? That's a word! Just ask my kids! *single nod*
*Sits down at my desk and sends out pretty, frilly pink and brown and white inviations covered in flowers and polka-dots and kitty cats with whiskers and ribbon*
YOU ARE INVITED!!! Please join me in a new blog post about my crazy ass world. WARNING: I do mean C-R-A-Z-Y. Thanks! Can't wait to see you here!!! :D
*Checks the guest list and waits* Geez you guys, don't you all come at once....
*sends out reminder cards*
Don't forget! Come one, come all (preferably all). Please? *hopeful eyes* PS No presents needed. Only presence *wink*
Hey there guys *tenative smile*
I know it's been a while... A long fuckin' time *whispers* shut up *mental point at myself*
Ok, I know it's been a long fuckin' time since I've been here. *looks around* Yeah...
Actually, it's been a while since I've been around many places- blog, chat, twitter... Some of you may have noticed, others maybe not. *rocking back and forth, picking off my nail polish*
Either way, I've been a total fail. Wanna know what I've been up to? No? I don't fuckin' care! Sit your ass down and get comfortable! *clears throat* Sorry, ok, not really, but still... There are little mats in the corner if you want, I know the grass is a little itchy.
You know how four-letter words are the end-all of bad days? Like DAMN! or SHIT! or FUCK!!! or GRRR.... That's how all of this started. It started with a four-letter word - June. Sounds innocent enough, but let me tell you my June was worse than a movie. You know those movies, when you shake your head and say, "NO WAY Can all that happen to just one person!" Well, it DID happen and it sucked! Details not needed, but that's where it started.
June rolled right into another four-letter word that proved just as difficult - July. *nods* That's right. I'm not just being dramatic, I swear! It. Was. Shitty...
After that, I moved. I began living in my own little world. Sounds like a nice place to be right? Riiiiiiight.... Unless that little world is filled with spiders the size of your palm, murder, deathly beatings, duct tape (and not in the fun playing way), screaming kids, sleepless nights, living with someone you cannot stand but have to put up with their shit everyday telling them how much you hate them only to have them continue to piss you off because they know how to push all 'those' flaming anger buttons, ignoring phone calls, texts, and messages, coughing till you vomit and piss yourself, closets/bathrooms, writing a one shot in one day, no sex, no pretty blue skies (only b/c blue happends to be my favorite color, if it were pink, they'd be pink skies, ya see?), general doom and gloom, and did I mention no sex? *dies*
*makes the sun set (only if it were that easy, right sjAimee?) and starts the movie projector*
It's settled, my world is now called Colorful Chaos.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking Pinky?" "Um, I think so Brain..."
Oh, sorry, where was I? Oh yes, chaos.
While I've been hiding away in my mind, a few people have been witness to all this. It wasn't very pretty. My contact with the outer world was sporatic, random at best, and maybe a little mental. This was usually done through a series of blips or tweets where I completely ignored any reply. (sorry about that, BTW)
It's just that... Um, I am a VERY solitary person. Hard to believe I know given how social I seem. BUT if I ever went to jail, I'd probably kill someone so I could go to solitary confinement and be perfectly content there for the remainder of my 20 year sentence (it wouldn't be an added life sentence because the person I'd murder would be for the benefit of all the prison and I'd be hailed a hero!).
There is not much in between with me. I am either a social butterfly, friends with everyone, peace maker, hippie, and lover. But the kind that you do not want to piss off. I mean, b/c when I get pissed off that's when visions of murder and black and blue and purple and beating someone senseless comes to my mind. (I TOLD you, I'm crazy). It's just that people rarely see that side of me, or think i'm kidding when I say it out loud. JSYK, I'm not kidding.... *evil gleam*
If I'm not out being socially acceptable, I'm stuck in my head doing horrible, horrible things.
Puzzles calm me down. Until my kids get a hold of it and tear all my hard work back into many pieces then I'm the opposite of calm. It is in those moments when I want to give my kids back. I want to send them away to a storage like those P.O.D.S (Portable On Demand Storage). I want them to leave until my patience returns (which isn't very often during those times).
I don't want to hear "Mommy, he hit me!" or "*SCREAM*" or "I'm hungry!!!!"
I don't want to come out to all the cushions off the couch or the samurai swords unsheethed and on the floor.
I don't want there to be holes in my wall or a beautiful picture colored all over it either.
I don't want Vaseline covering everything within their arms reach or shit to be all over the floor (literally).
I do not want maple syrup in my dryer or pickles sticking out of the crevices of the couch.
I do not want to see them pissing off the front porch at noon when the little old lady neighbor goes for her daily wheelchair "walk".
I do not want to find the TV antenna on the floor because Channel 5 (PBS) was messed from that fuckin digital switch that is "better for everyone" and the kids tried to adjust it themselves. (Sweet for not getting me, but they just made an even bigger mess for me to clean by shattering the picture frame glass and knocking everything else down off the entertainment center).
As much as I laugh at my kids dressing themselves in swimming goggles, a princess dress, an old thanksgiving paper headband, with skeleton gloves and boots, I do not want to find their drawers emptied all over the floor.
Do you see where I'm going with that. *shrugs* Go ahead, say, "That's just part of being a mom" Fuck off... I know it is, but that doesn't mean i WANT to deal it. Obviously I have NOT shipped my kids away, so there. But just realize that it adds to my retreating.
Also I want to make something clear. You don't know me... I mean, I am not lying about who I am and if I tell you something about me, it is me. But don't assume you know everything. I have been through shit that many will never comprehend. I have done stuff that most will never know. It has made me who I am today. Good and Bad. And I am both. I accept it, I deal with it (or I don't depending how you mean "deal") *shrugs*
Um, now I've forgotten where I was going with any of this and what exactly my point was. I've gone a little, how can I put this...
And NO I'm not drunk or on any medication. I'm going to enjoy this now and play on blip again while this high lasts!
Please, feel free to visit my little world if I disappear there again. I cannot guarantee you'll survive or that you'll come out of it without needing to go to an asylum for a while. I also cannot guarantee you'll actually find me or if you do that I'll be friendly if I even acknowledge you at all. It's nothing personal, I promise. Just slowly back away, forget what you saw and PLEASE don't hate me when I come back out.
*lights the tiki torches* Hey, we don't really care for the sun here, so this will work!
Thank you all SOOOO much for coming and making it to the end of that crazy ass... ME! *laughs* Now, I have cake and spiked tropical punch Kool-aid over there. Enjoy! Take all you want. Stay and party with me. Leave *shrugs* I'm just glad y'all came!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an 80's coverband concert to get ready for tonight and a BAD ASS FOOTBALL GAME tomorrow.
GO TEXAS TECH!!!!!! *guns up*
Ok, you guys, I love you all!!! <3>
Also, Thank You, Smutty! You know why!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
YAY! *doing a happy dance*
So, what is this post about? Well...
Honestly, it's not about Twilight. *gasp* I KNOW! What the fuck!? BUT as the title of this blog clearly states, this is about my insomniac random obsessions.
"Steve like pizza."
There we go! *dusts off hands*
Ok, I have totally given into my rock side.
*announcers voice* Desi has left the 80's building! (Finally, I know!)
Though I still find comfort in the 80s music, much like hugging an old, stuffed teddy bear named Bozo or a well loved stuffed donkey w/ his mane rubbed off named Donkey Donkey (hey, I was 2), this genre music has just taken over me.
As crazy as it sounds, a little Disturbed or a little Mudvayne helps lower my blood pressure when life's shit has me down! I think it's because the music is so loud and in your face your brain isn't able to think about anything else. It's the perfect cure for me!
Now, onto my loves. Anyone that knows me might pass out at this next statement, but...
Move Over Bon Jovi
*smelling salting myself*
And I'm back!
In case you didn't know, I went and saw them in April. It was an amazing show! I knew I already loved them, but I denied the fact that they soared past Bon Jovi until after said concert.
Who else do I listen to? Well, on a regular basis, it is Three Days Grace, Shinedown, Halestorm, Theory of a Deadman, Red, Nickleback and Disturbed. Hell, here ya go, I'll make it easy.
While you're at it, just check out all my music. I love to share! *big goofy grin*
And YES, I do sing to just about all of it! You know how I love to sing!!
"Sing. Sing a song. Sing out loud, sing out stroooong!
Sing of good times, not bad. Sing of happy, not sad"
Now, I might have messed those lyrics up, but it's been years since I've actually sang that song! But it popped into my head. Don't know why!? *wink*
Well, I think I'm done w/ my rambling. For now.
Good Ev-en-ing to y'all!
Te amo! *wink*
Monday, December 28, 2009
These last 10 years have been the worst in my 30 yrs of life. Let's review, shall we?
1999- College w/ a 1 yr old. Married and seemingly happy
2000- Not happy at all. College. Affair. Move in to College Apts w/ BFF. Suicide attempts by the then hubs. etc...
2001- I turned 21! I met new friends. I was back down to 125 lbs. I was social. I started semi-dating my current hubs. I loved life!
2002- Life was still pretty good to start. Got served divorce papers (We were supposed to do it w/o lawyers. It was a shock) Then the shit started. CPS. Custody battle to end all custody battles.
2004- More custody. Got married. Had my other son.
2005- Custody shit.
2006- Assaults. MORE custody shit. March was the last time I saw my oldest boy. My baby girl was born.
2007- Passed as years do.
2008- Blah once again.
2009- Twilight. FanFiction. Twitter. Did I mention TWILIGHT!?
I have to say that 2009 was the highlight of my decade! I found the Twilight saga after watching the movie. After I read the books twice and lent them to a friend, I needed more. I got onto websites galore and YouTube.
Finally while scanning Stephenie Meyer's website, I found a blog name that jumped out at me. "Super Secret Twilight Blog" I thought "perfect! My obsession is a secret too" and I went there. I met Cutie! My first bloggy friend. I lurked for a while. Left a comment here and there. After a while I visited SSTB every day. Then spread my wings and found other friends' blogs. And eventually started this one.
Heard about a discussion on SSTB about a FF piece called Wide Awake by Angstgoddess003. I read it and joined in on the fun. To say I was floored is an understatement. I had no clue what was going on, but I stuck it out then LOVED it! I needed more! I started w/ Cutie's FF list and my obsession just grew from there.
One FFn story I found was I Get Off by Britpacksuccubus. I LOVE that smexy, lemony, love story! And she had a twitter. Well, after a few emails, I decided to jump into twitter too. I am addicted. Yes, plain and simple :)
Back in November, during all the NaNo talk, I started writing FFn too! :) Woo-hoo!
Then we had The Lemon Sister's Secret Santa and that was a blast! (I still feel bad, One Pushy Fox)
Then came the New Year's Eve Party last night! OMGosh! FUN TIMES!!! Right?? ;-)
*sigh* I don't think I could ever say how excited I feel to have met all of you this year! Twilight really brought a bunch of us together who other would have never met. I have had some really hard times this year here on the home front and whether you knew it or not, you guys kept me sane!! I love you all and can't wait to find out what 2010 has in store for us!
Speaking of 2010...
I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of setting goals for myself that I'll never meet. Not because I don't want to. Not because I didn't really plan on it (because when I say it, I do mean it) But because I seriously lack motivation. So screw the old standbys of:
"I want to lose weight!" - Seriously, who doesn't want to? (And if I have to listen to one more toothpick thin person say they are fat, I will break all their limbs and use them to test the readiness of my cakes!)
"I want to work out more." - Well, this is crucial in losing weight and being healthy, but come on, most people aren't going to do it at all, or they might for a month.
"I want to make more time for my family and friends." - Of course I would like more time with family and friends. But honestly just because I want it doesn't mean that there will magically be more hours in the day. There are only 24 hrs no matter what and if your days are filled with work and being a mom and being a wife, unless your friends or family come over in the middle of the night, this ain't gonna happen.
So with that said, I have set my 2010 New Year's Resolutions!
I resolve to read more. (Be this Sesame Street, Golden Books, FanFic, Twilight, John Saul, or any of these news book titles/authors being presented to me.)
I resolve to eat all the chocolate I want when I'm PMS'ing and not feel bad for hiding it from the kids.
I resolve to save more money for fun trips with and withOUT the kids!
I resolve to finally get ALL the laundry washed instead of leaving those one or two loads that are winter clothes just because it's summer or vice versa.
I resolve to quit trying to please everyone else all the time and start pleasing myself. (Take that how ever you want b/c you're probably correct! LOL)
I resolve to not hide who I am anymore. I've always hid half of who I am because of where I live and because of my family. Why should I? If they love me, they won't care, and I shouldn't care what others think anyway.
So that's for the whole RL New Year's Resolutions.
Now my Twilight Resolutions:
I will read the whole saga again.
I will write/finish my FanFic for that contest that ends on Jan 31st.
I will write the other stories that are in my head and try to continue Ranchward & Bex's story. (And THAT story for you, Betti & Crystal)
I will stay more up to date with my Blog and my friend's Blogs.
So please, I want to hear your thoughts and comments! What are some of your New Year's Resolutions? Real Life or Twilight?
Now please, go get a drink. It could be anything! Water. Coke. Diet Soda. Liquor. Beer. Milk. Just get a drink and toast with me!
*holds glass of Pepsi up high*
Happy 2010 everyone! Here's to a good year for us all!!! :)
Uhhh..... That's all that would have come out of my mouth if I tried to speak, so I picked my jaw up from the floor, smiled and nodded. He let go of my elbow but moved his hand to the small of my back and led me to the podium. He handed me the pen and pointed to the name "Edward" then slid his long finger across the page to the blank space under guest. Edward must have been about 6 feet tall because he towered over my little 5’ 3” frame. Well, 5 foot 7 tonight, thank you shoes! I leaned over to sign my name and he, with his left hand still on the small of my back, flattened his right on the book page to hold it still for me.
He just laid there underneath me with his mouth slightly agape breathing heavily in time with me. I felt his hips grind upward again as he grabbed my hips for more resistance then his tongue caressed his lips and his head rose with his need to kiss me again. Halfway to sitting up, he grabbed both my camisole and tank and pulled them over my head. He groaned low and deep, “So fucking beautiful,” then buried his face in my cleavage.
My hands were wound in his hair again, but I wanted that shirt off of him. Now! I grabbed it from over his shoulders and started pulling; he stopped touching me just long enough to get that damn thing out of our way. I pulled his face to mine and began gently sucking his lips, down his jaw to his neck. Hello tattoo, I forgot about you! I licked and nipped the beautiful tribal ink that ran from his neck to bicep. GOD DAMN! It ran partly down his back and wrapped around his ribs. Where my mouth couldn’t reach, I alternated between stroking with my fingers and grazing the tattoo with my fingernails. Every touch elicited a hum or a groan until I eventually I made my way back up toward his ear and sucked on his earlobe then whispered, “I’m so fucking wet right now, Edward.”