Monday, November 2, 2009

Big Girl Panties and a Confession

Well, I had this fuckawesome post about wondermus, gory Horror Movies, but instead I got a bit sidetracked and now feel the need to explain. I hear that my last post was a tad bit confusing and yes it was pretty cryptic. :-/ Hmm... I'm sorry.

I am pulling on my big girl panties and while I am about as far away from Catholicism as possible, I am here for confession...

You all have heard me say that I have 3 wonderful kiddos. NO? Well, here read this and while you're there, leave a comment! I'll wait...

*humming Jeopardy* Damn song gets stuck in my head every fuckin' time!

Welcome back!

Ok, so now you know; I have 3 babies. This is the first time I have ever talked about this, so please forgive me, I have had a bit (a lot) of liquid courage.

Here is the MAJORLY shortened version:

I have not seen or talked to my oldest son, he's 11 now, in more than 3.5 yrs, since I was 7 months pregnant w/ my baby girl. There was an assault involved at that time. We had a NASTY custody battle. One in which all the family law lawyers in our area knew the name. One which involved too much fuckin' money, several lawyers, numerous CPS cases, countless police, and one previously mentioned assault. Even in the YEARS prior to this (yes, years), I had limited time w/ him. I "lost" my son when he was 3.5. Why? B/c the shit head knew it was the only way to hurt me. He was right.

That said, that post was directed at my ex. You see, I don't typically go looking for the diseased fuck hole. I simply live my life. But on occasion, I get a little reminiscent, and I want to see something, anything, about my son. When I signed up for Twitter, I wanted to see if I could find him, so I entered in his email address. I wasn't paying attention and I invited him to follow me on Twitter instead of searching for him by his email *smacks head into wall repeatedly for 7 minutes*

Twitter links to my blog.

I almost deleted my Twitter, but decided that was fuckin' retarded. I do that and he wins.

So I did NOT delete my Twitter.

I did NOT un-link my blog.

I am standing up and owning myself. I know he is prowling out there and I wanted to give him a message.

I really miss my son. Some days are better than others. I just see so much of him in my middle son and it starts the memories flowing. Even though my middle son never really knew my oldest, he still calls him "my brother." And what makes me really sad is that my oldest always said he wanted a baby sister. Well, he gets a baby sister and has never even met her. *uber sigh* I have gotta quit while I'm ahead...

Does that make a little more sense now? I hope it explains a bit more.

So, you still ready for that ass whoopin? He deserves it! sjAimee, bring all ya got! We can tag team him! Not in the fun, pervy way, but in the WWE, CM Punk, John Cena, Triple H kind of way.

On your mark. Get Set... GO!

*fight ensues* including but not limited to: kicking, junk punching, eyeball plucking, nose stomping, and junk punching round 2.

A Sober Edit:

W/in all the drunken explanation and fighting, I realized I forgot to add The Confession. (Well, besides that I kinda cyber-stalked my ex.) My Confession: This was my choice. After fighting my ex for 4 years, I couldn't do it any more. During that time, I got married, had my other son after being placed on bed rest from stress, and was pregnant again w/ my daughter. You can imagine the strain that has on a marriage, then add thousands of $$ of lawyer debt and dr bills to top it off. I had a choice.

1. Keep fighting for my oldest child. Lose my husband. Lose myself. Hurt my other son. Hurt my unborn child if my ex lost his temper again. (I'm lucky the assault was not on me, but I was there and it could have easily been me.) I could continue to allow my oldest son to be torn between me and his dad. I could continue to allow his dad to use him as a tool to hurt me. Hell, he wasn't even allowed to call me Mommy...

2. I could let go. I could hope that his life wouldn't be as crazy when he isn't being coached into lying and hating me. I could try to make a normal life for my other two children, husband, and family.

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." ~H Ellis

There are days when I regret many things, but then I remember I cannot regret them. Those choices gave me my children. Those choices made me who I am today.

I have lost so many important people in my life not by my choice. This. This was my choice. And believe me when I say it was and still is the hardest one I have ever had to make. I gave up my visitation, but not my rights. I was supposed to be able to call him on his b-day and Christmas. They never answered.

I always wonder how his life is now. I hope he is well. I dream of him knocking on my door and knowing him instantly, because I will never forget his eyes. They are blue with a tiny spot of brown in his right one. And, I will never forget that crooked grin. But until that day...

... I'll keep dreaming.


Smuttier Than You said...

My heart is breaking for you. Truely it is. Justsoyaknow, sjAimee and I share a throne and I gladly offer up my, er, "services" along with disposal. *hugs*

SBGDGT said...

@Smutter Than You- I'll take all the, uhhh, "services" i can get! Name the price!? :)

Thank you for the hugs, those suckers always help! :)

uhyesplease said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I think, especially because you do love him, that when your son gets old enough he will find you. And as long as you keep your heart open, he will know that you had to do what you had to do. And not because of him, but because of his dad.

Hugs to you too, sweetie!

Honolulu Girl from Trueblood Twilight said...

Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for telling your story. It will get better, I promise.
When my son was five, my fiance and I split up. It was then that his dad decided to turn on us and go after my son. Accusations were made and thus ensued the court appearances. It was a very hard time in my life and I fought very hard for my son. You have no ideas what lies his grandfather told him. He was five at the time and believed them. Now he's 17 and we are past all of that. He knows the truth and my son and I are very close even though he lives with his dad. My story is long but I just wanted to share with you that I can empathize with your story and sending you my love!!

SBGDGT said...

@uhyesplease- Thank you so much for the hugs! They really are the best medicine :) And I can't wait for that day to come!

@Honolulu Girl- :*) I could never wish this on anyone, but it is comforting to know someone that has gone through this and come out on top. (*whispering* honestly my biggest fear is that he has/will forget me.) I truly look forward to the day when I can be where you are now. Thank You!!!!

Anonymous said...

im here for you girl. I want you to know this. HOwever.. I can't respond here.. Im going to email you today when I get a chance. Its going to take me forever and I've got a to do list a mile long but I PROMISE I will get to it today.

Bex said...

I won't repeat what I said in my email, but I will tell you that I meant it all.

Just remember hunny, the cupboard next to mine! You keep my key and I'll keep yours, K?

<3 xxxxxxxx